Adjustment Period

You know what happens when you write a blog post with “abundance” in the title? The enemy swoops in and attacks, causing you to question every line you typed. But, let me tell you, the enemy ain’t got nothin’ on my King [I know, preach Devin!]. For every doubt, every question, every bit of melancholy, Jesus meets me. He’s reminding me that I don’t have to be crippled by chemo for Him to carry me!

Summer ended. School started back. I expected the hardest part of the transition to be my eldest starting middle school. Nope. The hardest part of school starting back was going back into the routine of “school normal” and being hit in the face with the reality
that the last “school normal” we experienced was actually our “cancer normal”. The first day I picked Madie up in carpool at her school, it dawned on me that the last time I did that, I had a scarf covering my bald head. I think it hit the kiddos as well…there was a hesitancy beyond just the usual not being ready for endless, lazy summer days to be over…I didn’t recognize it until I felt it myself. They rebounded beautifully as children tend to do. I’m still dealing.

With all the non-routine of summer, I had not realized that I had reached the end of “fight mode” and moved on in to “processing mode”. Once all the check-boxes of my cancer treatment had been checked, once my hair started growing back, once I started feeling like myself and not like a patient all the time, I suddenly had space in my head and heart for the gravity of what just happened to me and my family to start washing over me. This hasn’t happened in one, big breakdown. It has been more subtle. Flashing memories, unexpected reactions to comments from others, and my inability to filter out sources of overstimulation and awareness (I’m a highly-sensitive personality type – it’s a real thing, google it). This part of my life and recovery is a slow process underneath all the rest of my normal-paced life happening on top of it. Probably as slow as watching my hair grow back (of which I’ve had lots of vain and angry thoughts about lately).

Perhaps the reason I haven’t wanted to blog for a while is that there’s not really anything “finished” to report to you. If anything, this season is going to get worse before better because we’re now approaching the one year anniversary of all this starting. I don’t say all of this to gain extra hand-holding or sympathy, I’m telling you because it is important to me to be transparent. Throughout surgery and treatment, all those posts, that was real. That was being transparent during the fight. This current part isn’t inspiring, but it’s real right now. I absolutely know that I could be in a MUCH worse situation. I am deeply grateful that treatment is over, and that my outlook is very promising. Those truths just don’t change the fact that all this happened in the first place and that my life is different now. Maybe I’ll call this my “adjustment period” instead of “processing”. Please don’t walk on eggshells around me, but maybe if I don’t seem like myself, you’ll now understand why and can just ignore my moodiness (or kick me in the rear, whatever seems right in the moment).

What I CAN report in the interim is what I’m being shown in the midst. I’m being reminded over and over that I’m not in control – it was easy for me to give up control regarding my cancer, but when it comes to my kiddos, not as easy. Daily, probably hourly at times, I have to adjust my perspective. All topics are on the table when it comes to perspective shifts. Here’s a hard one – pride. Meeting new people right now unveils my pride. Every time, I want to follow my introduction with “I normally have hair”. I’m learning not to do that, and not to need to do that. But. It. Is. Hard. Finally, contentment. This is heavily influenced by “perspective”.

For the past two Sundays, we have sung “No Longer Slaves” in our worship service. I honestly don’t know that I have ever reached my arms out so far in praise! I am tearful as I type this, because the chorus of that song, I GET it (“My fears were drowned in perfect love.”). I can say with full conviction that the Lord has stripped fear about my health away from my vocabulary. I’ll leave you today with the lyrics in hope that you will be encouraged by them.

“No Longer Slaves”
Bethel Music

You unravel me with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance from my enemies
‘Til all my fears are gone

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

From my mother’s womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I’ve been born again into your family
Your blood flows through my veins

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

I am surrounded
By the arms of the father
I am surrounded
By songs of deliverance

We’ve been liberated
From our bondage
We’re the sons and the daughters
Let us sing our freedom

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am a child of God.

Yes, I am
I am a child of God
I am a child of God
Yes, I am
I am a child of God
Full of faith
Yes, I am a child of God
I am a child of God

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God