How’s She Doing? 5 Years Later, aka “No Really, I’m Good”…with asterisks

Five years ago this week was one of the longest weeks of my life. My diagnosis had been confirmed the week before, and we were trying to prepare for surgery the following week, but even that date was in the air. My children were in elementary school, and we were doing our best to give them safe answers when we didn’t know many answers, and keep them feeling safe when that definition was a bit wobbly for all of us. I was trying to focus on work enough to assure that things could run smoothly without me (*update, apparently they can 😉 iykyk). I was trying to process so much and take care of so much – I was held together literally through the prayers of those who loved me.

This week, I’m running. “Balancing blessings” as I like to say. New people I meet have no idea that I had cancer – there was a time where I had no idea that would ever be a possibility. At least once a day lately, I pause, tear up a little, and say a prayer of gratitude that it’s 2021 and not 2016.

And…here come the asterisks.

Obviously, we’ve all been living in uncertain times. I’m definitely not the only person who has suffered loss during 20/21, but I have most certainly suffered loss. Death of one parent is hard. The death of both parents in less than a year is really hard. (To clarify, neither death was due to Covid.) So, currently, I’m sitting at this meaningful 5 year post cancer mark and am so thankful while also riding strong waves of grief. I feel physically strong, but am at times emotionally weak. I’m getting things done, but also occasionally wanting to sit in the floor and kick my feet and scream.

Looking to the future is complicated. Once you’ve had conversations about putting numbers to the chance of recurrence, regardless of how low those chances are, you wonder. When Ashley and I joke about “one day, the grandkids will…” up until lately those conversations have stopped me cold, though I try hard to cover it. There was a time when I actually wished away my children’s years because I wanted to know I would be there for all the things. Each and every time those thoughts occur, I immediately, instinctively cry out to God and he instantly reminds me that only HE knows the number of my days and that ALL WILL BE WELL.

“For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.” Romans 11:36

When Mama was diagnosed, the Lord whispered over me to be strong. When I was diagnosed, He told me to “tell”. For those of you who trust in His name, that previous statement makes sense. For those who do not, you probably think I’m a little crazy right now (but thanks for continuing to read). I still feel that He wants me to “tell”, but I’ve been letting the enemy win in convincing me that I have nothing left to tell. Today, I’m telling again. I don’t have life figured out, but through all of my writing it has been important to me to share in the midst. I don’t want someone to read my words and think “oh sure, it’s easy to say that now that you know the whole picture”, I want them to read my words and see that in the very midst of whatever this life is throwing at you that you can draw strength from and take comfort in His name. He will guide you and give you wisdom that you cannot explain, but oh, you will know the source.

Live today based on the truth you have today – do not borrow from speculation about tomorrow and allow that to deplete the resources you have been granted for today. Feel what needs to be felt today, do what needs to be done. Love those you are gifted to love. Look for His light amidst all the darkness.

No really, I’m Good,

Devin